Home > Writing > Oops, I Published Again

Oops, I Published Again

If you’re anything like me, then you are tired (so utterly weary) of vampires in literature.

What gives? I used to love reading about vampires. They were viscous, blood thirsty (literally) and could be usually be counted on to cause general and specific mayhem wherever they roamed. I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good neck suck every now and then?

But then something happened. It’s all very simple.

Vampires began to sparkle.

That’s right. Sparkle. Vampires.

It’s a crying shame. No more delightfully nasty rampages, or beautiful women drained of their precious rubies. Now we find vampires spouting poetry, lying around in a field accompanied by sappy music and generally being total wussies.

Naturally, I took it upon myself to remedy this state of affairs. I know, I know…tis a heavy burden, but someone had to do it.

The result is a humorous and delightful (in my opinion) short story that I think takes the vampire genre to a whole new level.

Employment Interview With A Vampire is a vampire satire that basically asks one question: What would happen if vampires did age, albeit very slowly? From here, I’ll just let the story speak for itself. Below is a short sample for your reading pleasure.

If you like it, please check it out on Amazon. It’ll only put you back $0.99. The laughs are worth the price. Trust me.

 

Cover, Employment Interview With A VampireEmployment Interview with a Vampire

The Vampire’s Housekeeper Chronicles

 

Betsy’s notion of a “fixer upper” is actually a dilapidated mansion that might have been an especially nice country estate about 50 years ago. Now the paint is peeling, the window shutters are crooked, and the place looks—in three words—spooky as hell.

And this is before I search in vain for a doorbell and am forced to use the heavy brass gargoyle knocker. I hear its echo reverberate inside the house, and a chill runs all the way through me. My unconscious mind is starting to have some doubts, but my conscious mind is all too aware of the stack of bills sitting on my kitchen counter.

“Come in,” a deep, sonorous voice calls from inside.

I push open the door, and yep, it gives out a nice, lusty creak.

“Mr. Hayward?” I venture. “This is Deidre from the Bullseye…employment….agency.”

My voice trails off as I look around the foyer, which seems to be functioning as some sort of spider web sanctuary. Then there are the dust bunnies, which are actually just about big enough to qualify as dust German Shepherds.

“Come into the sitting room child,” that spooky voice speaks up.

Betsy never mentioned how much this job paid, but I’d already made up my mind to hold out for at least $12.00 an hour. Now I wonder if maybe I should crank it up to $12.50 an hour. My feet hesitantly shuffle into the living room, and this is where I get my first official eyeful of my potential boss.

A cape.

Nathaniel is actually wearing a black cape.

I will learn later that Nathaniel feels very strongly about wearing the cape for houseguests, but in this moment I am completely flabbergasted.

I guess it’s also time to deflate another long-held vampire myth. Not all of them are incredibly attractive. Or even mildly attractive. And they definitely don’t stay young forever.

When Nathaniel sees me in the doorway, he throws back his cape dramatically revealing a bow tie, suspenders, and a pair of pants cinched up around his belly button. He also has a pencil mustache on his upper lip, bushy black eyebrows and a white poof of hair on his head.

“You’re late,” Nathaniel says.

I look down at my cell phone. 9:03 AM.

“What kind of watch is that?” Nathaniel asks accusingly.

I’m not wearing a watch, and it takes me a moment to realize what he’s talking about.

“It’s a phone,” I tell him.

Nathaniel waves a pale hand in disgust. “Everyone is so excited about those damn phones. Give me a telegraph any day of the week.”

Nathanial lowers himself into a ratty, wing-backed chair with stuffing coming out of several holes. In the grate, a large fire blazes and throws shadows wildly across the room.

“Yeah, telegraph, those were the best,” I mumble. I wonder if I should sit down, but since he hasn’t invited me, I just keep standing in the doorway.

Nathaniel’s piercing blue eyes give me the once over.

“I see you chose to wear pants.” His bushy black eyebrows crunch together in disappointment. “How very improper for a woman.”

I look down at my nice navy slacks. “Sorry?” I venture.

“And you seem quite old to be seeking independent employment.”

“I’m 24,” I tell him, though I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to discuss age in a job interview.

“Surely you are married and have born your first child.”

Okay, this part is definitely illegal, but I answer him anyway. “Nope, it’s just me.”

“A spinster then,” Nathaniel clucks his tongue with reproach. “Perhaps if you didn’t dress yourself in such disgraceful garb you could make yourself more desirable.” He waves a hand. “Though, perhaps it doesn’t matter. At your advanced age, your chances of finding a good marriage are exceedingly low.”

At first I’m too shocked to even be offended or angry, but then his words sink in, and I feel a hot flush jump to my cheeks.

“These pants are just fine,” I huff. Yep, this is the best comeback I can muster on short notice.  “I think…I think I’ll just go.”

I turn to leave when a sound fills the room.

It is the Macarena.

“Damn,” Nathanial says, “it’s the telegraph.”

He stands up, walks over to the mantel, lifts the lid of an ornate box and pulls out a cell phone. He stares at it, obviously confused.

“Here, let me.” The phone is on its last chord of the Macarena when I take it from his hand and accept the call. Turns out that Nathaniel’s blood pressure medication is ready for pickup at the local WalGreens pharmacy.

I give Nathaniel the message, and this puts a sour expression on his face. “I need to stop eating so many obese humans,” he says.

Despite the cape and severe anachronisms, I still haven’t figured out that Nathaniel is a vampire, so I automatically assume he meant to say, “I need to stop eating with so many obese humans.” Of course, this doesn’t actually make any better sense, but I don’t give it much thought.

“Well?” Nathaniel demands.

“Well what?”

“Go on and pick it up.”

“I’m not your slave,” I reply before I can stop myself.

“Of course not,” he snaps back. “You are white and this is a non-slavery state. I’ve considered moving to Tennessee for just that reason.”

We stare at each other. Two things hit me. First, Nathaniel is one hell of a misogynist and racist. Secondly, I think I just got the job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Employment Interview With A Vampire can be purchased on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Smashwords.

 

Categories: Writing Tags: , , ,
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.