I have a pet bunny named Avalon. This is him. He is adorable.
For the most part, we get along well. He has soft fur. I like to pet his fur. He likes it when I pet his fur. He also really, really likes lettuce. I can procure lettuce. We make a good team. Unfortunately, our relationship isn’t all roses and delicious lettuce.
10. Flipping over your water bowl is not nearly as awesome as you think. Flipping over your water bowl, while impressive, actually completely depletes your supply of water. You need water to live. This is not a cool trick from a survival point of view.
This is what your water bowl should look like if you don’t want to die a slow and horrible death of dehydration
09. Carpet is not food. It has never been food. It will never be food at any future point. In fact, it is the opposite of food, in that you really, really shouldn’t eat it. Ever. Please stop eating the carpet.
This is not food
08. There is nothing at all interesting underneath the dresser. Please stop trying to dig up the carpet under the dresser. Yes, I realize that there is a small arch at the bottom of the dresser that looks kind of like an opening to somewhere, but it’s not. The only thing under the dresser is more carpet, which, we’ve already established is not food.
There’s nothing under here
07. No matter how much you beg, I will never ever let you eat chocolate again. Remember that one time a chocolate chip fell out of my cookie onto the floor and you ate it before I could pick it up? Two days later you got really sick and I had to rush you to the vet. Do you remember how they had to give you fluids, force feed you, and shave your leg to take a blood sample? Do you remember how I was a total emotional mess, because I thought that I had murdered you via cookie? Of course you don’t remember this, because you are a bunny. But I remember . I also remember the $300 vet bill. So, please stop begging for chocolate, and stop pretending to be shocked that I’m not giving you any. Chocolate can kill you. Seriously, it can kill you.
06. When you stand right in front of the door it will hit you in the face. Please stop standing so close to the door. The door is not transparent, therefore I cannot see that you are standing on the other side. So, again, this will lead to me hitting you in the face with the door. I now try to open the door very slowly, so I don’t get why I still keep hitting you in the face. You must see the door opening. Just move and you won’t get hit in the face.
Just stand about four feet back from this and you should be good.
05. I’d like you to stop eating your poop in front of me. I understand that eating your poop is a natural thing that bunnys do, and that special forms of your poop (called cecotropes) contain bacteria and fungi that are essential for your health, but it still weirds me out. I accept you for who you are, but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with everything you do, mainly eating your own poop. I wish you wouldn’t so flagrantly eat your poop in front of me. I leave the room multiple times a day, often for 30 minutes or more. This would give you ample time to eat your poop in private, but you seem not to care whether or not I’m in the room. Please be more considerate in the future.
04. The sound of peeling a hardboiled egg is not a huge scary thing that requires you to thump your back leg loudly for five minutes and hide under the bed. It’s just a noise you haven’t heard before. It’s okay to be a little nervous, but you really don’t need to freak out about it. There is absolutely no way the sound of peeling egg shells is threatening or can harm you. The same goes for the clinking of change and the sound of my pen tapping the desk. These things are no big deal. Please stop thumping and making it seem like I’m trying to terrify you with everyday life noises.
This is terrifying
This is not terrifying
03. You should probably be more scared of the cats then you are. I am noticing that you don’t give them as much notice anymore. Sometimes they sneak into the room, and you just sit in your hay box munching on hay while they stalk around. You don’t seem afraid at all. You should be. You’re a pretty big bunny, but the cats can still eat you. They are faster than you, stronger than you and have sharp teeth and claws. They are not your friends. You may think that you can change them, and while this is really sweet, it’s also a quick ticket to betrayal and death.
This cold hearted killer is not your friend
02. I know you’re the one eating my shoes. How do I know? Simple process of elimination. The cats don’t eat my shoes and I don’t eat my shoes. That leaves you. Also, I have seen you hop into my closet on several occasions. On more than one occasion I have heard a sound emanating from the closet that sounds suspiciously like you chewing on something expensive and beloved. Also, there was that one time you chewed on my boot while I was wearing it. That was not subtle of you at all. Don’t act all shocked and innocent when I go to buckle on a pair of cute sandals only to discover that the buckle is no longer attached. When I give you an accusing stare, your eyes bug out, as if to say, Who would do such a horrendous thing? If it’s been more than two hours since you ate the shoes, then maybe you’ve forgotten and don’t honestly know. But I do. It’s you. You ate my shoes. I also strongly suspect that you’re the one whose eaten through two of my purse straps.
I didn’t do this
01. Chewing on wires is a terrible idea. Remember up at number 9 where we talked about how eating carpet is really bad for you? Chewing on wires is an even worse idea. It’s actually the worst idea you’ve ever had, except for possibly eating that chocolate chip, discussed in number 7. For some reason you hate wires and want to destroy them all. The existence of wires offends you on the most fundamental level of your being. Your mindless animosity for wires goes deeper than some of the world’s greatest rivalries, including Colonists vs. Red Coats, Hatfields vs. McCoys, Athenians vs. Spartans, Amish vs. Twitter, and Yankees vs. Red Soxs. I have some bad news for you rabbit – you will never win the war against wires. No matter how many times you chew through my cell phone charger, computer cord, lamp wire, WiFi router cable or any other wires, you will not make a dent in their dominance of the world. They are like a hydra. For every paper shredder wire you chew, two will come back in its place. Also, the wires don’t care how many of their kind fall. They are like the army of Xerxes, numberless and undefeatable. You, on the other hand, are very defeatable. You’ve been lucky so far, but this luck can only last so long until your little brain gets fried, mid-chew. You must learn to coexist in a world of wires. I am doing my best to keep them out of your sight and reach, but you have to meet me half way. Did you see what happened to Leonidas in the movie 300? Of course you didn’t, you are a rabbit. So let me tell you. He died. A lot. Sure, he got to yell and chop some heads and run around in his underwear and a cool cape, but by the end of the movie he was a pin cushion. Don’t be like Leonidas . Bow down before the wires. It is the only way.
This is a battle you cannot win